Lost in the Dark

It is that time again and I was heading out to the pumpkin patch to enjoy the fresh air with my grandchildren with the corn mazes, hay rack rides and pick up a few pumpkins for my front porch. The directions texted to me by my son went something like “drive north out of town until you see the blacktop on the east side of Seneca. From there go west 2 miles……..”

Thank heavens for my GPS. Instructions given in directions such as north and south have little meaning to me. I can read a map – I just can’t look around me and somehow recognize my surroundings as being on the map that I’m reading. I have better luck with objects – “Go to the corner of 4th and Main and turn left.” In other words I have dominant object memory opposed to dominant spatial memory. That’s right there is actually a reason for all of this. My mother had it too. It was comforting to find all of this out years ago as a student in a doctoral program studying brain anatomy. Some things are well, just the way they are. My name is Maggie O’Malley and I live in a moderately small town in Kansas in a big old house with my two little fluffy Bichons, a big flower garden, tons of books, and a room just for quilting and writing stories and whatever else I come up with. My seven children are all grown and I have 10 grandchildren that I adore. Oh yes, I am an academic psychologist, a family therapist, and drug counselor with a cozy office down the street and have been a college professor in the local community college for 20 years as well. Life is good.

But sometimes in the middle of the night, I still startle awake with the end of a terrifying dream shattering into the darkness, the dream of a memory of a night when was scared out of my wits. At those times, I snuggle down deep in the soft down coverlet and lie still until my heart stops racing and I can slowly drift back to sleep.

It was the time of year when everything was mellow. It was autumn in Kansas and I was on the road selling cell phones. It was 1991. It had been a rough year. I had learned a lot over the past year. For one thing, I found out that I could actually do stuff that I didn’t think I could do – such as drive around the countryside by myself to unfamiliar places which was tough since, as I mentioned before, I have no sense of direction. Also, I knew nothing about life in the country and it was apparent as I went to farms trying to sell them a cell phone. I said a lot of stupid things such as calling steer – a cow and getting sick to vomiting by a pig barn but the nice people put up with me and taught me the ropes. Cell service had only been licensed in the rural area in the past year - since 1990 and we had very little cell service back then – two towers in our area and service was only great when you were within 15 miles of a tower. So much of the time I was on my own without contact. People born since then cannot even conceptualize this. I had gotten the job out of sheer desperation. I was newly divorced and trying to rely on a job at a dress shop wasn’t cutting it. One day after watching another sales person grab my suit sale I called an old friend and asked him for a job in his advertising agency. My friend looked at me sadly and shaking his head, told me that there was no money in advertising anymore. And then he stopped and snapped his fingers. “Hey, an outfit out of Tulsa contacted me last week. They are bringing Cell Uno into Windy Hollow and desperately need a salesperson. And you would be perfect!”

Hows that? I wondered. I had never ever done anything like this. I had only worked with women – jewelry sales as a young college student, the dress shop, and five years of teaching quilting to the local women. Back then only men were into electronics – it was a man’s product. I knew nothing about electronics. He didn’t say anything about driving around the countryside – that would come later.

“Well you know rich people and you’re broke!” He said this with such enthusiasm that I remember laughing out loud and then….. crying. So much for gallows humor. I applied. They offered me a base salary that was decent plus commission and benefits. I took it. And then they immediately sent me to billing school, cell school, and tower school in Texas and Florida. I came home hit the road running. He was right – I was broke. Every morning racing across Kansas covering about 200 miles in my little car, then racing home to fix dinner for my two sons who were still at home, throw our laundry in the machine and then off to the mall to sell clothes and then home to study – Oh yes, I was going to back to school. I was a single mom with 7 of the most wonderful children and I was not going to let them down. I was determined that I was never going to be in this situation again – ever!

During that first year, I walked into a lot of situations that I didn’t know were dangerous simply because I didn’t know any better. I had been a stay-at- home mom for all of my adult life and didn’t yet know that here is a lot of bad people out there in the world. But that was almost 30 years ago. I have learned a lot since then.

Back then there were only 4 of us running Cell Uno – the manager, a very nice man from Kentucky, another woman, Laura, who was the office manager, and Steve and I, the sales team. Steve and I were paid $250.00 for every phone that we sold. I was in debt, living in a rental with two sons at home and 5 children in college or grown and we needed every single penny I could get my hands on. Since there were only two women in the state selling cell phones at the time – Steve came on later - I was making pretty decent money. But it still just barely covered and on those occasions when it didn’t, I had to borrow from my dad. And so, whenever the call came in from a customer wanting to buy a phone, I agreed to go. The only thing was that this time, the customer gave an address that was way out in the country southwest of town in an area that I was unfamiliar with and it was for 9:00 at night. It would be pitch dark by the time that I got there. There was not such a thing as GPS back then and my cell phone that was installed in my car probably wouldn’t have service……but $250 was calling my name. First, I had to find someone to work my shift at the mall but if I could sell a phone, that would trump the $4.50 an hour that I would make at the dress shop. Deal! I traded shifts, ran home and put dinner on the table, told the boys I was going to make a sale and then I should be home soon after and here I was heading south on a country road with a scribbled set of directions on a piece of paper. Please, please, please I said over and over to myself. Make this month the one that I don’t have to call Daddy.’

Right off the bat, I was lost. I circled and circled – I kept passing the same farm houses as the sun sunk down past the trees and then..POP! it was gone and darkness descended. I had lost sight of the cars on the highway 45 minutes ago. I couldn’t turn back because I had no idea where “back” was. And so I just kept driving - bumping along on rutted roads and slowing down for every mailbox. My cell was as dead as a doornail –not the battery – no service. And it was dark dark dark! Now what? And then I saw the mailbox lying in the weeds up ahead on the left. I got out of the car and bent down over the weeds. The little eyes shining out of the weeds at me did not even faze me by this time after over an hour of watching little creatures scurry across the road in front of me. Yep – the name on the mailbox read “Harold Goodfather.” I turned left and went down a deeply rutted road, past a grove of scrubby trees, through a rusty chain link gate and there in front of me was a small ranch style house with its light on. Later I wondered why I didn’t turn around right then – my desperate need for money trumped my gut feeling – and I had one for sure.

Several big mangy dogs came rushing at me barking and growling. The front door remained closed. I looked around my car for something to offer them. Aha! A half-eaten moon pie! I thought to myself “They better by darn buy a cell phone – no! Two cell phones. Oh well, here goes. I grabbed a half-eaten Moon Pie out of the box on the seat next to me, broke it into pieces and tossed it in their direction. They stopped barking and began gabbing for the treat. As I bent down to speak to them, I realized from the pool of light on the dirt that the front door had quietly opened and when I looked up, I saw standing there in the light a very tall, very thin man and peeking around his elbow was a small frail looking woman. He said nothing to me or his dogs – just stood there in silence watching. I looked up and broke the silence by telling him who I was and why I had come and then I asked if he was Harold Goodfather. Then his voice boomed out in a friendly voice, “Yes, I am the Good Father! And his whole demeanor changed as he held the door open for me and reached down and with one of his big hands, grabbed up all of the bag phones that I was struggling to carry. And I was swept into their living room. I can see it now. It was lit solely by white candles except for a kerosene lantern that swung from the rafters. It had a musty but pungent smell that some farm houses have, I noticed. Harold turned to this wife and said, “Lurleen why don’t you go get this fine lady a little cup of juice, why don’t cha? She scurried away like a little mouse back into the shadows as he ushered me into a room to the right. It was long and narrow with picnic tables lined up down the middle - end to end. And the left back wall was covered with bookshelves that actually looked a lot like mine at home. I recognized this from the layout I had noticed from outside to be a breezeway between the house and the garage that seemed to have been enclosed into this long, narrow room. It, too, was lit by candles and there was a lamp hanging from the rafters just like the one in the first room. So far it seemed that there were no actual ceilings – just rafters - it was like a cabin. My book shelves at home were literally crammed with books. This one, as I was to find out, was filled with bottles and jugs all filled with a liquid and other stuff. Harold put all of my bags and equipment on the middle picnic table just as Lurleen appeared with the cup of juice. “Go ahead and sit yourself down and get comfortable and we’ll be back in a jiff.” And they disappeared through the door that we had just come through.

The “juice” smelled like spiced hot cider and yet had a bitter after taste. After a couple of sips, I put my cup on the table and then I just sat there. Minutes ticked by. So quiet. I couldn’t even hear anybody moving around in the house. After over 30 minutes, I decided to wait 5 more minutes and then go looking for them. In the meantime, I untangled myself from the picnic table and started browsing the bookshelves. I walked up and down the room looking at all of the jars - each had something floating in the murky liquid. Just when I had had enough and stepped back to my seat to pick up my stuff, I turned to glance at the shelf to my right and was instantly startled to see floating in a large jar, a little being with two little eyes staring back at me. I jumped back and when I did, I ran right into Harold and Lurleen who had somehow mysteriously appeared from somewhere and were now standing very close behind me. They both stared at me with sober eyes that contrasted with the small slight curve of their lips.

“Oh!” I startled and then catching myself began to ask where they had been but Harold spoke over me,

“You haven’t drunk your juice!. Come on now Miss Lady, it’s Lurleen’s specialty – you wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings now would you?”

But I wasn’t playing this game any longer. “What’s in this jar?”

“Which one?” He said buying time.

I reached up and tapped the glass with my right hand. “This looks like a fetus.”

Lurleen immediately spoke in her whiny voice, louder this time, “Oh it’s not what yer thinkin’. This is a little soul what didn’t make it to heaven.”

“Like a miscarriage?” I knew I needed to get the ___ out of there.

“Go ahead and tell her Harold.” Now it seemed that Lurleen was in charge.

“Have a seat,” he told me. I took hold of the handles on my gear – I was still standing - but he covered my hands with his big rough ones and said in a gentle voice. “Just relax, we’re goin’ to buy yer phone but here’s the deal.” Lurleen pushed me gently from behind and I was suddenly back on the bench of the picnic table.

“Ya see”, Harold began, we believe in the life everlasting.”

“Oh go ahead Harold, Lurleen cut in, “We are witches, Maggy.” I had gone from Miss Lady to Maggy in the last hour.

“Really? How interesting.” Now I was trying to buy time. “So do you mean Wikens?”

“Oh heavens no! Besides they aren’t even witches….not REAL witches, right Harold?”

“No they aren’t real ones. Just so you know Maggy, we made this appointment tonight just so you could be our Special Guest. We saw you at the Fair selling phones and we just knew you would fit right in.” He said this like he was presenting me with a gold medal.

“You saw me?” I was getting a sick feeling.

“This is the night of the changing of the harvest moon – a special day on the earth and covens all over the earth join together in worship.”

I felt a cold chill go up my back. “No thanks but I have kids at home and I need to get back – they will be looking for me. And besides I’m a Methodist.” I started pushing away but as I tried to stand up, the room and the candles and the strange smell all seemed to swirl around me and I had trouble keeping my balance. I felt like I was drunk – “what was in that “juice?” I tried to get a hold of myself and suddenly we were outside in the crisp air and I was beginning to feel kind sick again. Lurleen and Harold were on either side grasping me by the arm pits. I was suddenly away of others passing us as we headed up a lane.

“Okay STOP! I am NOT going any farther. Do you hear me? I tried to yank my arms away and I remember dragging my self back but I was held tight.”

“Hey, calm down – we’re almost there, you are going to love it Maggy, trust me, it is wonderful.” Lurleen seemed to whisper in my ear. I was being shoved along in 3” heels over a dirt and gravel path. I kept stumbling and turning my ankles. On top of everything else, I still had my purse over one arm and a bag phone over the other. It seemed like we just kept going and going. My head was clearing a bit. It had to be either the candles or the juice.

“Tell me again, where are we going.”

“Harold already told you, it’s the Harvest Moon celebration – the equinox! You HAVE heard of it haven’t you? It’s a BIG deal around here.“ Maggy acted like I was a toddler and she had to speak to me in words of two syllables. “We have a gynormous (I’ve always hated that word if it is one) bonfire. There will be dancing and cider and the kids get into it.” And then “And you will be one of our special guests this year!” She said this as though I was suddenly chosen Homecoming queen. Wait did she say that I was “one” of the special guests? All I could think about was that movie about the children of the corn and whatever I knew I was getting out of this somehow. Nobody was cutting out my tongue! Okay, I DON’lT WANT to be your guest! If you don’t let me go now, I am going to scream!”

Harold bent down and said with a chuckle, “Who do you think will hear you Maggy? It’s just us.”

I remember thinking that that sealed it – I was in trouble. Before this, I think I was hoping that this was all a joke that I was tangled up in. My mind was racing. The boys had no idea where I had gone – I hadn’t told anybody. I thought that if I could run back on the path, I would reach the house but if I had to run in the forest, I would have no idea which direction to go. But first, I had to get loose.

We were cutting through a heavily wooded area and the sounds of the cicadas were all around. Honestly, for some reason, that sound kept me centered. The only other sound I could hear was the thumping of my heart and even in the night air, I felt slightly damp from sweat. The moon was hidden in a cloudy sky. It was pitch black – not even a star. And then suddenly, the wind either shifted or the path turned into the breeze and I could smell the wood smoke and see the flames from 100 yards away up above the trees could hear voices chanting to the beat of a drum and once in a while some kind of music like from a flute or whistle. Someone called to Lurleen and suddenly she let go of my arm and ran forward. I was surprised to realize that Harold must have departed from us a ways back and I was thinking too hard to notice. I was unattached! I hesitated but only for a moment and then I darted left into the trees and ran as hard as I could deeper into the forest with branches tearing at my hair and scratching my face. I couldn’t believe it. I fell down several times over fallen trees and low places. I think it was then that I lost the bag phone. I was wildly trying to get away but I somehow I kept running into something and or falling into ditches. It was like running in water, I couldn’t seem to make progress and all of the time, my mind was racing trying to find some clue to tell me that I was actually going the right direction. I heard Lurleen call out my name and she sounded close by and then many voices calling to me and I tried to hurry faster. But which way to go? I tried to see the smoke and then run away from it hoping that it would take me towards the house – but which way was it? And then I ran smack into a tree in the black night and something hard and pointed gouged me right beside my left eye barely missing it. It came up so suddenly, I fell into darkness and stars.

“Look what you went and done to yourself Maggy!” Faces were looking down at me. I tried to look over the cloth that was covering my face on the left side. “Now come on, we are about to begin and we don’t want to start without you. You just got lost – I shouldn’t have left you.” Right.

They helped me to my feet and pulled me through the opening into the clearing with them. Throbbing pain that’s all I could think about. There was blood all over the cloth. Then I remembered getting stabbed with that stick or branch right before…. The bonfire was everything that Lurleen had said – “ginormous.” I looked around at all of the people standing around that huge bonfire – a huge crowd. They were all wearing robes or garments that looked like sheets with holes in the middle and were standing around the fire swaying in time to the music and shouting something. There was a small group of musicians playing to the side and everyone seemed like they were having the best time ever. Several women held my arms and put something over my head.

“Now there you are Maggy, just stand here with the other guests and don’t go and get yourself lost again. You don’t want to miss all the fun, right?”

“Hey somebody, get her a crown.” Shouted one of the other “special guests” and I had a wreathe pushed down on the top of my head. There were 3 or 4 of us and we stood together behind a braided rope. The rest of the “guests” looked happy to be there and everybody was passing around a big medal bucket or can of something that smelled just like the juice I had already tasted. I tried to act like I was taking a drink and then I passed it to the next guest. The dancing around the bonfire got faster and faster and now people were swirling, their white garments rippling out as they swirled. Some whirled so much that they fell to the ground as though they were in a stupor. I tried to tell myself that these people were just fine – they were just having good fun and it was me who was such a nerd that I couldn’t just let go and……….but I told them that I didn’t want to be here…..they said that they saw me at the fair and picked me out…..and then I remembered those eyes in the jar. I turned and looked - My fellow special guests were now embracing each other. I was at the front of the group next to the rope so I was in plain sight – a bad position to be in if you are trying to disappear. tried to come up with a plan. I knew that I needed to somehow disengage from the bonfire but then what? Where was my car? Where was the house? Where was the path? Just then somebody pulled me away from the group and swung me around the fire. One of my shoes fell off and I felt dizzy again. I buried my face in the man’s chest trying to get away from the smell of smoke and then I just dangled there like a rag doll. Sure enough he got tired of my dead weight and dropped me. I fell hard on the dirt and my bloody eye towel came off. My yellow suit was brown now with dirt and blood spatters. I remember the eyes of those clapping and chanting – they sparkled and their faces glowed. It felt like I was in slow motion as I crawled out and grabbed the heel of my shoe and then I crawled backwards into the tangle of bodies. I kept crawling back under the swaying people who were becoming more and more active, trying to dodge the legs stomping and swaying. And then I was out in the dark. I got to my feet and tried to see something in the darkness. This time I was not going to get caught!

The voices seemed to be singing now instead of chanting and I hurried through the trees stepping carefully with my arms stretched out in front of me. I felt like I was going in circles and knew that sooner or later they would discover me missing. I was having trouble seeing out of my left eye that was swollen almost shut and I had no sense of where I needed to go– okay I was lost. I leaned back against the trunk of a tree to catch my breath and a warm tongue licked me on my right hand. I almost jumped out of my skin. It was those dogs from the house. Here they were happily looking for some more moon pie! They jumped around me yipping and brushing against my legs and I remember grabbing one about the head squeezing his ears. “You beautiful old dog. Now go home,” I commanded. “Come on, let’s go home!” They took off to the right and when I lost them, they turned and came back for me. I remember thinking as they took off… I can’t believe they are going right – I would never have gone that away. I grabbed a collar on one of the dogs and let him pull me along between trees and around stumps and brambles. I stumbled half running and after a period of time when I thought my back would break in two, suddenly we were back on the path and I could let go. The dogs jumped around yipping as though this was great fun. “Please please be quiet.” I tried to shush them. Once I thought I heard some shouting and I picked up steam and started running faster. The 3 inch heels were long gone. I could see the back of the house with the tall pole light in front of it but it seemed miles away. I took off the shoes and kept one as a weapon. We kept running and they were way ahead of me when the moon came out from behind the clouds and I could see way off in the distance the little house in the moonlight.

And then suddenly we were there. I ran to the corner of the house while the dogs were making a racket in the dirt clearing in front of the house. I tried to stay in the shadows as I ran around the house and across the front to my car. Suddenly a man ran out of the darkness from the left but I was already in my car pressing down on the gas when he started pounding on the hood. I threw the box of moon pies out of my window for the dogs, backed up and headed for the gate. Whoever was running after me kept yelling for me to stop but I just kept going popping the gate open on the right as I hit the long rutted driveway. Once on the road I turned and started driving. And driving. And driving. Up one dirt road and down another. I even drove by the road to the house again - maybe twice. If only I had a sense about which way to go! At one point, I hit a dead end and had to back up and turn around. An old truck was all at once following close behind me with people inside banging their hands on the sides of it and yelling. But I kept going and then there in the darkness a way up ahead I saw cars going down the highway – a point of reference! With this truck behind me, one thing that I was afraid of, I remember, was that I would hit another dead end and I would be blocked in. I turned toward the highway on every road that came up and finally, I was staring ahead at Highway 90 heading straight home to Windy Hollow. I was determined to run the stop sign if the truck got too close but it seemed to give up and dropped back a ways and I zipped left and floored it until I had passed the next town and I could see the glow of the lights of Windy Hollow in the sky. And then I started crying and kept this up until I pulled up into my driveway. My 14 year old son was in the livingroom watching television and I tried to slip up the stairs before he saw me.

“Hey Ma! Where ya been? Hey Tom’s here.”

“I’ll be right back down,” I called as I went up the stairs. My eye was swollen almost shut, I still had straw from the “crown” stuck all over my hair and I was a mess. I called my friend Rita and tried to tell her what happened I was too tired to say anything plus every time I opened my mouth, I started crying.

I had a black eye the next day plus lots of scrapes bruises on my arms and legs but big purple ones in my arm pits and around the tops of my arms where they had held me tight as we were going down that dark path. I did have stitches in my face but it still left a scar anyway. I made up some kind of a story to everyone else but to my boss, I told the truth. He reported this to the police and to the corporate offices but nothing ever came of it that I know of.

Steve went back out there the next day and found the house after getting lost himself a few times and knocked on their door to pick up my equipment. Mr and Mrs. Goodfather asked him inside and offered him some juice which he turned down (ha!). They acted surprised that I had left all of my equipment and seemed puzzled at my departure but said that they thought I had gotten sick and hoped I got better. As for the bonfire, they said that yes there had been a small bonfire in their backyard with a few friends. (Right!) And get this: Steve then sold them two phones! And we split the commission.

Sometimes I wonder if all of that really happened. And then I notice that tiny scar at the corner of my left eye and those nights when I dream of an infant floating in a jar……………….and I am lost in the dark.